Three days and counting

Apartment R-304, I will not miss you.

I will not miss your ill-designed, non-soap-holding soap dish in the shower. I will not miss your complete and total travesty of a pantry, nor the absurd lack of cabinet space in the tiny kitchen. I will not miss the LOUDEST HEATER EVER in the living room, or the burn-your-fingers-off baseboard heaters in the bedrooms. I will not miss the ridiculous layout of your living room, the silliest “linen closet” ever made, or the overpowering mold smell in the guest bathroom. I will not miss the bottom-of-the-line washer, dryer, or dishwasher, and I will not miss the cheap windows that let in EVERY noise from outside and fail to keep heat in and cold out.

Most of all, I will not miss you, neighbors! I will not miss you, slam-the-door-as-hard-as-you-can guy because you live right next door and go in and out to walk your dog 17 times a day, spitting sunflower seeds everywhere you go. You suck. I will not miss you 324576 neighbor kids and the screaming at the top of your lungs ALL DAY LONG right outside our apartment. Your parents suck. I will not miss you old people downstairs and the banging on the ceiling, and I will CERTAINLY not miss you bottom floor guy and your constant cigarette and cigar smoking or your disgusting charcoal grill that you insist on using every single day in the summer. Really, I’m pretty surprised you didn’t manage to burn the whole place down one way or another.

New rental house, you may not be perfect and you may have taken your sweet time getting ready for our arrival, but I’m already looking forward to you SO MUCH. Saturday is move day, and it can’t come soon enough. Apartment R-304, goodbye forever. You will not be missed!